I couldn't feel my toes. My feel hurt in my heels. My mind raced, tying whatever logic I had left in knots. There was only one clear thought left in my mind.
What am I doing?
My eyes traced over the black letters printed uniformly on white paper and up to my audience. I hadn't said a word yet, and they already looked bored. A mother looking through her purse. A child pulling on his father's sweater. A teenager texting in the back. They were all waiting for me.
What am I doing?
But I didn't have a choice anymore. I couldn't back down now. I was here. The mic was in my hand. I had to do this...
What am I doing? Why are these people going to care what I say? Why should I speak to them? What if they just judge me?
I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself. I shifted my weight, hoping to stabilize my shaking legs. Neither attempt worked.
Slowly, carefully, I started to read the words on the paper.
They were very important words to me, very dear to my heart. They outlined my walk with God, and how I had come to know the real God in heaven. They shared some of the deepest struggles I had had in faith, and some of the biggest mistakes I had made in regards to Christianity.
But to share it with all the people in front of me - that was terrifying. I had no idea how they would respond. Would they laugh at my pain? Would they look at me with disgust and shake their heads, condemning me for my struggles? Would they even care at all?
My legs didn't stop shaking the whole time I spoke.
When I finished, I felt two things: relief and dread. I was relieved that I was finished speaking, but dreaded having to face my audience later on.
Time was passing. The clock was ticking. I waited for the moment I would have to talk to all those people...
We all have struggles. We all have doubts in our faith. Have you ever experienced something, and then had the topic arise in a conversation? You thought about mentioning your experience, but kept quiet so you wouldn't be judged.
Or maybe you are struggling right now, and you want to reach out for help. But you won't, because you are afraid of the response you'll get.
Everyone is a walking story filled with different trials. But so often we bury our trials and snuff out our stories. We fear what others might think about us.
I feared what people would think of me.
Twenty minutes later I found myself in an embrace with a woman I didn't know. She thanked me for my story. She told me it had moved her. I smiled and thanked her, not sure what to say.
I received more hugs than I remember that day, more words of encouragement than I can count.
We're all scared we'll be judged. We're all scared to step out, to say what's really inside. We don't want to share our struggles. We don't want other people to know that we have weaknesses. But what we so often miss is that exposing those struggles and sharing what is inside can be the best way to connect with those around us. Sometimes we think that when our strengths shine through, others will be blessed through us. But that's not usually the case. Our weaknesses, our honesty, can be more of a blessing to others than our strengths.
Stepping out and speaking up is risky. Sometimes we might be judged. Sometimes we might be frowned upon. But by exposing our secret struggles, we give others the chance to be blessed in theirs. I know that in my darkest days I could have been blessed by someone exposing a similar struggle. Now by starting to expose my struggles I want to be a blessing to others.
